The Right Way to Tell Someone You’re Worried About Their Weight Loss

Once you’ve decided to speak up, your first instinct might be to name the most obvious thing: the weight loss. Try not to. Vanessa Scaringi, a psychologist and eating disorder specialist in Cincinnati, says clinicians often steer families toward talking about behaviors instead: the skipped book club, the lunch that keeps coming home uneaten, the friend who’s stopped showing up anywhere food might be served. “Behaviors are safer,” she says.

That’s partly because a comment about someone’s body rarely lands as intended. “It could shut someone down,” Scaringi says. Worse, it might register as praise. “Sometimes it actually feeds the eating disorder, where it’s like, ‘Oh, mission accomplished.’”

But avoiding comments about weight doesn’t mean being so vague that the person has no idea what you’re talking about. Point to something specific and observable, Scaringi suggests: “You haven’t come to anything involving food in two months” or “You seem much more rigid about eating than you used to be.” Emma recommends leading with curiosity rather than a conclusion: “I’ve noticed some changes, and I’m wondering how you’re doing,” as opposed to “I think you have an eating disorder.” The first opens a conversation, while the second can feel like an accusation or diagnosis.